Polished Writing – Words and Phrases to Avoid, Part I:
Cause and effect, and avoiding passive voice.
Obviously, when I talk about a polished manuscript, I’m not referring to any sort of literal shine or sparkle to the page. Polish is an abstract sort of quality, and it’s hard to understand unless you see it for yourself. Basically, though, to sum it up very simply: the words shouldn’t get in the way of the story.
Good fiction is seamless. The words themselves flow so eloquently that they almost become invisible. It’s like watching a movie and forgetting for an hour or so that there’s a room and a world beyond the borders of the screen. You can immerse in it, surrounded by the imagery and action that the words evoke. When you hit a speed-bump that jolts you back to the real world and breaks the spell, or when things plod along too awkwardly for you to really get into it in the first place… that’s unpolished. Those rough edges need to be sanded smooth so that they don’t snag readers and get in the way of the story.
Learning to achieve that level of polish takes time and practice… and the guiding touch of someone who can point out your rough spots can be helpful, too. Below, I’ve started you off with a few of the phrases and writing habits that, in my opinion, detract the most from the polish of a manuscript. These are easy crutches to use, but your writing will flow much more smoothly without them.
- “As” is a tricky word to use. “As” suggests that two events happen simultaneously, but I often see it misused in situations that involve cause and effect. Cause and effect can’t be simultaneous. If “he opened the door as the doorbell rang”, either he’s psychic or it’s coincidence. Along the same lines, “as” shouldn’t be used as a direct replacement for “because”. (“The walls fell inward as they had been weakened by the fire.”) “As” also shouldn’t be used to connect phrases that could be connected just as well with “and”, or that could be separate sentences.
- Using “allowed to” or “caused to” takes dynamic action and turns it passive. I think of the phrase “mistakes were made” when I’m looking at passive voice. Don’t tell me he “caused her arm to break”, tell me he broke her arm! Or maybe he snapped it, or crushed it. It’s more active and engaging that way, more “in the moment”, and ultimately, better for getting your reader caught up in your story.
- Using “she saw”, “she felt”, “she realized” makes the experience more passive for the reader, too. They have their time and place, but when they’re overused they only distance the reader from the feeling, the seeing, and the realizing. If we’re already in someone’s POV, we know who’s doing the seeing and the feeling. Let us see and feel and realize instead. You don’t always have to preface a realization with “she realized.” If you get us well enough into a character’s head, you can express a new idea in the narrative and we’ll know that it’s just occurred to the character. “She saw the fire consume the building and she could feel the heat along her arms” removes the reader one step from the action. “The fire consumed the building. Heat crackled along her arms” lets the reader experience it right there with her. It’s a subtle difference, but an important one.
- “Began to” or “started to” is a different kind of passive, and the problem there is that it’s used very often with verbs that are too binary to support it. The rule I follow is, you can’t “begin” something that’s done the moment it starts — it can’t be interrupted. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t begin to blink your eyes or begin to switch on a light. If you’re beginning to open a jar, then you’re twisting and straining and doing all sorts of other things that are far more interesting than “began to open”, so I’d like to see those instead. You can “start across a room” better than you can “begin to walk”. You’re already walking as soon as you take that first step. It’s your journey to the destination that’s just beginning.
Again, these aren’t words that I think needed to be avoided at all costs, but they’re things that I frequently see misused and overused in ways that take away from the flow of a story. Feel free to comment if you find these tips helpful.
More words and phrases to avoid will follow soon in future posts.
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